THE HANGOVER

THE HANGOVER PRESENTS A GOOD REASON TO DRINK

So first we had 'chick flicks'. Now we have 'bromances'. Judd Apatow has owned the market with 40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up, but now it has spread. The Hangover is the latest in this vein brought to us by Todd Phillips (Old School). Four friends (three friends and a soon to be brother in law) head out for a blowout party before one of them gets married. In an interesting twist, we wake up with them the next morning and very much like them, we want to know what happened. The twist is that no one remembers and the groom to be is missing. It is a perfect set up for a caper comedy.

MY SISTER'S KEEPER

MY SISTER'S KEEPER A KEEPER INDEED

Anna Fitzgerald (Abigail Breslin) was brought into this world specifically to save her sister Kate (Sofia Vassilieva) who is dying from leukemia. For her entire life, she has been subjected to numerous medical procedures all in efforts to save her sister’s life. When it comes time to donate a kidney, Anna turns to lawyer Campbell Alexander, (Alec Baldwin) to sue her parents for medical emancipation, letting her decide what she wants and doesn’t want to do with her body.

MY LIFE IN RUINS

MY LIFE IN RUINS: MY BIG FAT ROMANCE ON A BUS

 Truly a sweet and unexpected romantic comedy... Georgia (Nia Vardalos) is a teacher in Athens who isn't teaching but acting as a tour guide trying to push her knowledge onto a big group of wacky, ungrateful tourists who just want to go to the beach and buy souvenirs. She has lost the joy she once had for Greece and now just follows pathetically along as her tourists begin to teach her. They help her find balance between her love of the academic and love of life.

THE ROCKER

THE ROCKER: Something to watch on a rainly day with no cable TV

If you think this film will be funny because it stars Rainn Wilson, think again. The film is about an old man (at least 40) who once in a band turned mega-stars, feels a bit unfulfilled as he was kicked out of the band before they made it big. One thing leads to another and suddenly he is drumming again, but this time for the prom of his nephew’s high school. And again, one thing leads to another and this band of high school misfits turns into a huge success. It wasn’t a terrible film, but that’s hardly a preamble to a great review. I was bored. I watched it. I made it to the end and paid moderate attention. There are several members from Saturday Night Live who have funny enough roles and that’s just what it felt like, a really long skit on Saturday Night Live. I like Rainn Wilson, and he does a fine job but I still find him more fun to watch on the Office.
Nibble: Mildly entertaining, but nothing you MUST watch.

BRUNO

Was kann ein Mädchen sagen über Bruno?

What is not to love about Sacha Baron Cohen? He is a talented actor, not afraid to push the envelope, and that’s an understatement, in order to drive home a point. In Borat it was more funny and new and not over disturbing for most viewers because it was such a new concept to do a “punked” film. However, Bruno is another can of wienerschitzel. Bruno is a male model and entertainer from Austria who comes to America to try to achieve fame and fortune. There are parts of this film so explicit I wouldn’t just not want my mother to watch it, I wouldn’t want her to know I watched it. Vulgar and explicit, the target ranges from celebrity to fashion to bigotry; extreme anti-gay bigotry. One of my favorites was when he interviews the parent’s of children eager to be placed in a TV spot agree to the most outlandish things just to get their kid working. I do like having a new word for my va-jay-jay…. Vah-gee-nah; talk that Oprah. Overall, it was a fun film and Cohen made his points, sharp as nails. The best is saved for last; a video Bruno does which includes, Bono, Slash, Elton John, Sting and Snoop Dog. It is a lovely ending and well worth any uncomfortable scenes previously viewed.


BITE: I’ll never tire of Cohen’s colorful characters and his bold social statements.

CHERI: QUICK BITE

CHERI: THE ORIGINAL COUGAR

Lea de Lonval: You're not the first young man I've said goodbye to.
Cheri: Yes, I know, but what I thought might be appropriate is if I were the last.

Based on a Colette story, this film follows the entanglement of a beautiful, but aging courtesan, Lea de Lonval (a radiant Michelle Pfieffer) and Cheri, Rupert Friend, who is the much younger son of an old friend. At first she seems to be schooling him, but the death kiss of any courtesan is love, and that she finds. There isn’t really much plot or drama to this film. It is simple in its story telling. However, the costumes and scenery are lush and rich with color and play a role in the film as much does New York in Sex In The City. This did not seem to be straining Pfieffer’s acting abilities, but she looks lovely (aside from being too boney for that time period) and for that you could and do spent the film reveling in her loveliness. Friend was equally as handsome and did a fine job of portraying an overindulged youth. Kathy Bates is Cheri’s mother and does a fine job of acting the doting mother. This film is nothing too serious or overly taxing on the mind, but a pretty picture with pretty people.

½ Bite: Lush and pretty to watch, but not much for plot or drama.

THE MAIDEN HEIST: Quick bite

THE MAIDEN HEIST: AKA; WATCH GREAT ACTORS GO DOWN IN FLAMES

Actually, it was only Morgan Freeman who was flaming. What a waste of some of our most brilliant actors: William H. Macy, Morgan Freeman and Christopher Walken.


So these three are security guards for an art museum, each taken by a particular piece of art; perhaps obsessed is more like it as they risk everything in a plan to steal their beloved art work before they are shipped to a new museum. Bumbling is the word that most comes to mind and it is painful. All three actors have and can pull off comedy, so I’m not sure where this film went wrong except for the script and their decisions to act in it. The script was written by the person who wrote Me, You and Dupree, so maybe that was a huge warning signal. I think even grandma would want to pass on this film.

NO Bite: It was painful to watch such talent wasted.

OBERVE AND REPORT: SHORT BITE

OBSERVE AND REPORT: HERE GOES MY CREDIBILITY

NOT for the faint of heart. I couldn’t find the count for how many times the F bomb was dropped (or mouthed) but it was up there. Yes, I watched it in its entirety and I laughed, not at everything, but at the dumb, politically incorrect places. The movie is about a ‘mall cop’ Ronnie Barnhardt (funny man Seth Rogen) who has aspirations of becoming a police officer, most likely to be able to abuse his power. He loves his iron and hits the target, repeatedly. He believes in and uses excessive force whenever possible. With all this in mind, this movie is dumb, offensive in oh so many ways and dumb and offensive. His character is Bipolar, which I thought was a neat twist, but it wasn’t an accurate portrayal at all. His fixation and date rape of his love interest was also offensive. Ronnie lives with his mother and she is an alcoholic, also not a funny topic. Thing is, this film is so dumb and offensive, you have to take it as just that. If I wanted to know more about Bipolar disorder I wouldn’t seek this film out as a reference. If you can take it as it is, a stupid and stupid movie about a mall cop, there are some funny parts. I haven’t seen male full-frontal like that before, but it didn’t offend or make me laugh. It just was. So, take it as it is and if you are easily offended, don’t watch it. Easy.


½ Bite: For a stupid and offensive movie, I found some laughs. Not for everyone.

THE TAKING OF PELAM 123: SHORT BITE

THE TAKING OF PELAM 123: A JOY RIDE OF A MOVIE

Ryder: Ok... now somebody else has to die. Two people, maybe all of us! Did you hear me?

Walter Garber: I heard you, but you gotta understand that the circumstances they're different now for you. You gotta rethink this, you... you gotta adapt.
Ryder: No, I gave you instructions and you know the consequences.

Walter Garber: I mean don't you have a plan B?

Ryder: No, plan B is enforcing plan A... and the minute you stop believing me mother fucker, that's it!

The dance was beautiful. A run-of-the-mill crime drama takes on a whole new twist when we realize the characters we've been watching aren't at all who they seem to be. John Travolta is Ryder, the lead mastermind behind the hijacking of a subway train car and Denzel Washington is, Walter Garber, the "average civil servant" whose dumb luck it is to be on duty when Pelam 123 is taken hostage with its passengers. The key to the movie is the unfolding of each character, the peeling away at the surface layers to reveal people almost counter-characteristic of who we thought they were. The dance between each as they talk to each other during the crime is flawless. The script was well written as Ryder demands open and raw honesty from Garber. With a gun and many vulnerable hostages, Ryder forces Garber to admit and explain actions he has taken, decisions he has made in his life. Both characters are much more than they seem to be and it makes for a very watchable movie. I revel in the joy of a good film that commands your total attention.   
BITE: I loved the characters and the actors were fantastic. Well done.

AWAY WE GO: SHORT BITE

AWAY WE GO, A TRIP LIKE NO OTHER

No explosions, no wild car chases or shoot outs... this is a simple and tender journal of a young couple looking for a place to live and a way to live it. With a baby on the way, Bert and Verona (portrayed by skilled comedians, John Krasinsky and Maya Rudolph) are looking for a place to start this new phase of their life together. Their travel is geographic, but also psychological as they compare and contrast the different friends and relatives they observe. Allison Janney is a complete scene stealer; however the film gives room for each character to show their stuff as Bert and Verona act as narrators. Maggie Gyllenhaal also presents her character larger than life but as a life, as a lifestyle and it's brilliant. Softly and gently our narrators find meaning and a "place" for themselves in their lives.
Bite: A slow pace and wonderful characters give this movie an understated strength.

YEAR ONE

YEAR ONE: LESS FUNNY THAN THE CAVEMAN COMMERCIALS WHICH ARE REALLY NOT FUNNY... WAY WAY LESS

With a great supporting cast, I was hoping to find Jack Black filling the movie being funny in his awkward way. Didn't happen. Can I have my time back?! This was far worse than anything that comes to mind as of late. I would rather watch Lindsay Lohan's I Know Who Killed Me again. The other body in the picture is 'Juno's boyfriend' and not a great addition to the cast.  It was crass, dimwitted and a waste of film; full of poop jokes and farts, even the gag reel is unfunny. There is an attempt to put a message at the end of the movie and it fell flat. I am not surprised, but very disappointed. This film is a literal piece of crap.
NOT CLOSE TO A BITE: I wouldn't put my fangs neat this film. Ick!!!

LAKE CITY

LAKE CITY: YES, DAVE MATTHEWS CAN ACT

When there’s no where else to go, go home. So home is where loser Billy (Troy Garity) heads when things get rough in the city, with his girlfriend’s son in tow. Being the eternal warm motherly woman, Maggie (Sissy Spacek) is nonplused when she arrives home to find the son she hasn’t spoken to in a year raiding her refrigerator. Slowly the story unfolds and we discover why Billy is on the run, why the kid is with him and how the events of the past can bring this new family back together.

THE VISITATION

THE VISITATION: ARE YOU THERE GOD? IT'S ME, MARGARET

NEVER TRUST A FILM WITH A DOG. When the film began and I saw one of the lead actors with him I should have shut off the tv and learned how to knit. It happens every time. Case in point: Marley and Me.

Preacher Travis Jordon (Martin Donovan) is not practicing what he preaches. Three years ago his wife was found murdered and they never found the killer. Since then he has renounced God and found himself comfortable in a case of beer AND A DOG. So the residents of the small town he lives in begin seeing signs and witnessing acts of miracle. Soon we meet the elusive prophet and possible second coming, Brandon Nichols (a well worn Edward Furlong). The town is easily pacified while the Preacher remains skeptical and looks closer into the worldly information on this messiah. Jordan is aided in his search by the skeptical VETERINARIAN Morgan Elliot (Surprisingly played by Kelly Lynch). Soon they discover the key to unlock the spell the town has fallen under.

ORPHAN

ORPHAN: YOU THINK WE'D LEARN BY NOW

How many times does one have to watch the Omen to learn that oversees adoptions have their risks? While Madonna and Brangelina have made adoption seem cool, this movie does not. Esther is from Russia and is a precocious little girl that parents Kate and John (Vera Farmiga and Peter Sarsgaard) feel they need to add to their family of a young girl, Max and a slightly older boy, Daniel. As their familial story unfolds, so does Esther and her particular habits and inclinations start to get more aggressive. Soon we learn that Esther can be a handful and that is the understatement of the year.

REPO: THE GENETIC OPERA

REPO: THE GENETIC OPERA FOR THE NEW GENERATION

This is not your mother's opera. This is a bloodier (although not as bloody/horror-ish as expected) and very dark film. Being compared to the Rocky Horror Picture Show, it has been heralded as a new cult favorite. It is definitely dark and gothic in picture; the kind where the guys wear just as much make-up. It plays much like Moulin Rouge would on acid; great plot with characters that intertwine much like a Shakespearian tragedy. As in the opera, the script is sung, while there are some parts that are more complete songs: 17 Is Better Than 40. And yes, there is opera in it's pure form, albeit sung in English by a hot younger woman. The set looks much like Blade Runner where the future looks much like the past (and I don't mean the 80's). Paul Sorvino is almost typecast in his role of the powerful man running Genco, the new organ transplant service and is the father of three differently-abled adult children. Yes, one of those is portrayed by Paris Hilton, but still does not detract from the story. If anything, it's an appropriate role for her. The other two brothers are differently messed up, but Pavi (Ogre from Skinny Puppy) is mesmerizing with his many faces. He also commands the "Repo" man whose job it is to take back the organs that were sold and not paid for. Good credit is really important. The young heroine Shilo (Alexa Vega from Spy Kids) is growing up with her single father trying to shelter her from the evils of this world that killed her mother. However her father has a big secret he is keeping from her and of course, she finds out in the worst of ways.

Grey Gardens

GREY GARDENS COLORFUL AND FLAWLESS

With such stellar actresses, Jessica Lange and Drew Barrymore, who wouldn't have know this 'based on real life' drama would have turned out. This film is based on the documentary of the real mother and daughter, relations of Jackie Bouvier Kennedy, Little and Big Evie Bouvier Boyle. The story fills in the story from the start (creative license) and adds to what the documentary team shot at their lesser grand phase. The two of them, seemingly co-dependant on each other, going from lush to squalor, from feeding caviar to feeding stray cats is fascinating, captivating and so well done. The period piece shifts over time but stays true to the era and the characters. The DVD offers a look into the real documentary and that is where you see how remarkable each actress has done to embody their counterpart. While Lange won accolades, Barrymore was close behind in nominations. It is impressive to see such a total transformation in Barrymore to acting in a dramatic, quality role. She is fun in romantic comedies, but has found a new niche. Lange rarely disapoints, and this role is no exception. With such crafted acting, the rest of the film follows and does not let down.
BIG Bite: A must see. Fascinating and compelling.

DARK MATTER

DARK MATTER: CRUSHING WEIGHT Genius is not static. It either builds and expands or diminished and contracts. But when it attempts to expand without given proper support, it can literally blow. With the rise in school shootings, rarely has there been a "based on real events" story about the shooter that has shown motivation in a tender yet fair way. This film does. Ye Liu is Liu Xing, a promising and eager Cosmology student come to study in the US from China. Perhaps more the rule than stereotypical, he joins the other members of the team and works without rest for his idol Professor Reisser, Aidan Quinn. For a time, he shines and shows much promise in his studies. In between his enthusiastic work efforts, he is shown the kindness of a socialite, Joanna Silver (flawless Meryl Streep) who has a strong interest in Chinese culture and therefore tries to help the new students. She takes interest in Liu Xing and develops an innocent fondness for him. Then the rough get going. The world of academia can be cut-throat and merciless which Liu Xing finds out bit by bit. He search for the truth then brings out Reiser's true delicate ego which coldly rejects and degrades him and for no other reason.

THE INFORMERS

THE INFORMERS: PREDECESSOR TO GOSSIP GIRL

Remember in the '80's when we all ran around having bisexual relations, snorting coke, waking up and taking that first hit off the bong then chain smoking and laying around all day? Welcome to the Informers. Brett Easton Ellis is one of the most prolific writers from that generation. However, like all great writers, he wrote about what he knew, and his view of youth is not like most of ours. His characters are rich and bored and numbing themselves anyway possible. Read the book. Ellis wrote Less Than Zero which also became a movie, better known for a terrifyingly real portrayal of a young man out of control, Robert Downey Jr. Same set up, bored rich kids with every opportunity on a platter yet choosing from the vending machine instead. Ellis also was responsible for American Psycho staring Christian Bale.

MY BEST FRIEND'S GIRL

MY BEST FRIEND'S GIRL; CRUDE, RUDE AND EVEN KIND OF ENJOYABLE

This is so not the film I thought I would like. It's an unconventional story; a more passive man finds his grip lossening on his girlfriend so there is a last ditch attempt and that involves Tank (Dane Cook). Tank is certainly physically appealing, but to be nice, he lacks manners. That is putting it very easy. He resorts to any and all well planned and perfected gross and disgusting maneuvers which usually result in the targeted girlfriend running back into the arms of what now appears the right guy. But there is always an exception. Enter Alexis (Kate Hudson). She is Tank's match and the antics lead the movie in a total opposite direction. I never expected a romance in this movie, but it heads that way and it isn't for me to spoil the ending. Generally speaking I like Dane Cook; generally. Until now, I considered him more of a comedian than an actor. This movie changed my mind. He's no George Clooney or Clive Owen, more like Owen Wilson. All aside, he did a pretty decent job. Hudson, she's done better, was still was a delight to watch.
Bite: Not a great film, but certainly entertaining.

DANCE FLICK: Quick Bite

DANCE FLICK, WELL, IT WAS A DVD...

The smallest review I've written. In one word; no.

I love the Wayan's brothers (they could fill a small town) but this was a lame movie. I also love spoof movies, but the references were either way outdated or thrown together too quickly. Every stereotype was played and not played well. Don't waste your time.

WENDY AND LUCY

WENDY AND LUCY: SEE WENDY, SEE LUCY, SEE THEM WALK... (YAWN)
I love Michelle Williams. I love dogs. But I didn't love wasting my time; watching them walking, living homeless, shoplifting, walking some more. It may be this genius indie film, but I didn't like it. I broke my rule of never watching films with dogs in it (case in paint: Marley and Me) and this film proved just as disappointing. She seemed to be going somewhere, but this film went nowhere for me. If that wasn't enough, the ending sucked enough to destroy any good parts in this film.
No Bite: I expected more.

FRAGMENTS AKA: WINGED CREATURES

FRAGMENTS MAKE SUM OF WHOLE COMPELLING

Although not a thriller, I felt myself practically holding my breath, anxiously waiting for the next layer to peel off and reveal yet another piece of the puzzle. This movie centers on a group of strangers and their recollections and attempts to cope with a seemingly random shooting at the local diner. The cast is vast and wide and the film compelling and meaningful, mainly: the waitress, a single mother in a tight situation, (Kate Beckinsale), a ordinary man seated at the counter (Forest Whitaker), a doctor just in for some coffee (Guy Pearce), a young girl (Dakota Fanning) who watches as her father is killed then turns to God for all the answers, and her friend (Josh Hutcherson) who stops speaking after the incident.

Additionally, the families related to those involved are also given a closer look: the mother (Jeanne Tripplehorn), the daughter (Jennifer Hudson) the wife (Embeth Davidtz). However the star lit cast, it was the story and the memories and flashbacks that the characters endured and relived over and over that provided the structure. Situations like this happen so regularly that we've become tolerant but when it happens to you, and it could, this may be what it looks like. There is no hero. There is nothing but random events that when put together, make a highly provocative film.

Without a doubt, Forrest Whitaker is one of the brighter spots in this film. His acting looks effortless and when the final shocker comes you really wouldn't have seen it coming. The dimmest star is Dakota Fanning who was rumored to be difficult to work with on the set. Her performance seemed phoned in. "Wait till I get through my awkward years, then I'll be a good actress." She acted. Too much. Aside from that, it didn't handicap the movie one bit. It was real and believable and serves as a reminder how fragile life is and how fragile everyone else's life is too.
Bite: A very interesting and entertaining film.

SUNSHINE CLEANING

SUNSHINE CLEANING IS SPOTLESS
Rose Lorkowski (Amy Adams) wants a better life for her son and herself. After her mother died when sh was young, she has spent her life taking care of everyone but herself. Full of high hopes and positive affirmations, she works as a housekeeper until she can earn her real estate license; her ticket out. She passes the time in a "relationship" with her high school boyfriend, now married to someone else. She struggles to care for her handful of a son, her get-rich-quick scheming father, Joe (Alan Arkin) and her emotionally bruised sister Norah (Emily Blunt). She tries to find solace in the arms of her married ex-high school boyfriend, Mac, but she comes up alone and broken. An opportunity comes knocking; working as a crime scene clean-up worker to which she dives into full force, dragging her sister behind her. Rose exudes confidence and starts to glow with the pride of doing meaningful work and feeling like she is making a difference. Her sister reluctantly joins her as she seems allergic to working in general.
She doesn't like it, but tries her best, perhaps to please her sister and even finding her own self worth. She has spent a lifetime morning the loss of her mother without being sure exactly how to do just that. She is a pathetic mess trying to find some peace of mind.

THE INTERNATIONAL

THE INTERNATIONAL: ZERO TO SIXTY IN THIRTY FIVE MINUTES
Frankly, the whole first half of this movie both bored and confused me. Even though our main character, Interpol Agent Louis Salinger (Clive Owen) is determined to "get the bad guy" he isn't likable. I understand he didn't need to be and references are made about his past that indicate he was coming off some personal demons, just not enough, however, to make me care; loosely followed by Manhattan Assistant District Attorney Eleanor Whitman (Naomi Watts). Perhaps this is the way that their real counterparts act, but this is a movie and I need to feel some kind of connection to the people who are trying to save the day. Ironically enough, the director purposefully made his "bad guys" not bad, but humans who are just trying to take care of their own families and live their own lives. That was a nice touch.

SAW V: Quick Bite

SAW V: NOT MY PROUDEST MOMENT

By now, you should be able to tell my tastes include horror films, but only to a certain extent. When I watched the first in the Saw series, it was with a girfriend, eyes closed most of the time. What interested me is that the killings aren't random, don't take place on a deserted summer campground or after the car runs out of gas on a back road in rural America. Jigsaw (Tobin Bell) is an interesting character and a facinating actor. Although he sets up the "game", he stresses to his undercover partner in a series of flashbacks, that they had a choice and are given options that don't always lead to death. While heralded as the weakest in the series, I liked this one because the gore factor is low (but still gory and yes, I closed my eyes a lot) but the reasoning behind Jigsaw's actions are revealed and he comes off as sympathetic, wanting to make the world a better place; wanting to make people grow and learn from their mistakes. Despite the ick-factor and because of the desire to watch Bell's skill, I made it to the end (which some did not). Still not my favorite genre, but an interesting concept.

Nibble: I liked the psychological and forensic attention, but not the blood and gore.

THE SOLOIST

THE SOLOIST: A PERFECT DUET


Being a psychology major in college, I've gained a discerning eye with regard to films about the mentally ill. My complaints usually stem from the usual stereotypical behavior assigned to each condition. This film, however, did an exceptional job of showing the reality of a terrible majority of those who suffer mental illness and homelessness. It's not perfect and to me, ended up being more about homelessness than mental illness. Over time, many people who endure mental illness have also been blessed with genius; painting, writing, playing music. That's where this movie starts. Steve Lopez (Robert Downey Jr.) is a reporter in Los Angeles who, while searching for story ideas, comes across an interesting character, Nathaniel Ayers (Jamie Foxx) who can make a two-strung violin sound like angels from heaven.

LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT

LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT GIVES NEW MEANING TO HORROR FILM; WARNING, THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS

This was, by far, the most horrifying horror film I've seen in a while. It's not because it was that good. It's due to its over the top, graphic and painful violence. Characters like Jason or Freddy are surreal. They kill at random and usually in an over the top, not so believable (get out of the house!) way. Haunted house flicks are suspenseful and may have bloodshed, but it's from unearthly beings, which again, makes it less believable. Last House, however, is so realistic and "it could happen to anyone-ish" that it is unbearable to even hear some scenes, let alone watch them. The story is a nice doctor and his family go to their summer house. The young girl, as usual, wants to visit her friend and heads into town. One thing leads to another and soon the young girl is beaten, brutally raped, shot and then left for dead by a rag-tag bunch of psychopaths. As the rain hits, the psychopaths end up at the girls house, unwittingly asking her parents for shelter from the rain. It is tense and even more suspenseful than a grade B horror flick.

QUID PRO QUO: Quick Bite

QUID PRO QUO: NOT AN EVEN TRADE

Was more like 'Quid Pro NO' as far as I'm concerned. David Cronenberg had a controversial film in 1996 called Crash (no, not that one) where it was a mysterious mixture of damaged people and sex. From the jacket, this was supposed to be the same type of film and it missed the mark. Issac Knott (Nick Stahl) is a radio reporter who gets a leed for a story about people faking being confined to their wheelchairs. The twist is that he is paralyzed from a car accident when he was young. So he does his detective work, meets a mysterious woman, Fiona, (Vera Farmiga)and then the plot tanks from there. By the time the movie should have climaxed, it looses it's hard on and the revelation falls on an empty movie theater (if it even made it that far). Boring, boring, boring and SO not sexy.

Bite Me: Go rent the original Crash and watch a truly twisted and sexy film.

17 AGAIN: Quick Bite

17 AGAIN: CAN'T TELL YOU WHY...

Think of this as the guy's answer to Freaky Friday. A man (Chandler, I mean Matthew Perry) whose life is not turning out the way he hoped mysteriously morphs back into his 17 year old body (Zac Efron). Who would want to be 17 again is a far more mysterious thought to me. It doesn't take much effort to see where the jokes fall, and the physical humor is a stretch. Chandler, I mean Mike's friend, Ned, (Thomas Lennon) who pretends to be his father is amusingly worth watching. I lived to see it to the end of the movie, but I still wouldn't recommend it to anyone over 17.

Mini Bite: Not a terrible movie, but not clever, or unpredictable either.

PUSH: Quick Bite

PUSH: JUST LIKE HEROES FROM TV.... SERIOUSLY

That's pretty much the film in a nutshell except we see Dakota Fanning working on keeping her career alive now that she's not a cute little kid. Basically a group of people (like in Heroes) are trying to track down young pretty people with "abilities" (just like Heroes) and use their powers for evil not good. It takes place in Hong Kong, so that's different, otherwise it's a cheap knockoff.
No Bite: Instead, rent the first season of Heroes and catch up before the new one starts.

I LOVE YOU MAN: Quick Bite

I LOVE YOU MAN... I LOVE YOU A WHOLE LOT

Just when I've given up on love, in walks a movie with a whole different twist. Peter Klaven (Paul Rudd) and Zooey (Rashida Jones) are about to get married. Problem is, once all the wedding plans are in motion, it becomes painfully obvious that Peter doesn't have any guy friends. So this is a love story about a man, a woman and another man; but not in the way that you think. This is a fresh and hilarious movie, perfectly cast and acted, that was so funny I thought I might pee my pants. Sydney (Jason Segel) is a perfect answer for Peter's plight. His actions and the twists and turns keep you guessing and also points out how cynical we can be. Rush fans need apply.
BIG BITE: Be sure to watch the extras. The gag reel alone will make you chuckle.

THE UNBORN: Very Quick Bite

THE UNBORN SHOULD HAVE STAYED THAT WAY

Bad acting, cheap screams, convoluted plot, dud of an ending. The only thing that kept me watching, aside of feelings of duty, was the Rabbi who breathed fresh air into the movie and performed an entertaining exorcism.

Bite Me: Can I have my rental fee back???

REVOLUTIONARY ROAD: Quick Bite

REVOLUTIONARY ROAD, A DEAD END

The breakdown of a marriage carried out by a young couple who leads lives of quiet desperation. I can rave about the work well done for a period picture, but am left far from satiated over the film and the performances. The film, based on a best selling book, doesn't seem to be able to pull off the message. It comes close, but not close enough. I found it boring and pedantic, wondering when 'that scene' would play out and make the movie come to a climax. I love both actors, but found that they didn't have the same chemistry they did as young lovers in Titanic. The acted at each other rather than with each other. I didn't care about either of them, which a good film does; it engages you. I may be the only one who feels this way, but I call 'em as I see 'em.

Polite Nibble: Like being on the edge of orgasm and not finding release.

OBSESSED: Quick Bite

OBSESSED IS MAD CRAZY

There is one and only Fatal Attraction and this film is a cheap knockoff. It's a good thing Beyonce (Mrs. Sharon Charles) can sing, because she certainly can't act. Typical rehash of man, Derek (Idris Elba) who is happily married and wonderful and great and his wife is beautiful and wonderful and great and they have a baby who is wonderful and great. No one in movie land can let all things be so wonderful and great. Ali Larter is Lisa, the more than just hot temp who works her way around Derek's office. Soon she is obsessed (great title!) with him and does all sorts of crazy, boring things to squeeze into the family photo. Larter is a hot babe, but doesn't seem to be able to act like she's mentally deficient as Elba can't seem to act enough to say a believable 'no' to her advances. All over, not even a speck of a good film.

Bite Me: Perhaps it would have been a better movie if someone did bite someone else. Lame.

HAUNTING IN CONNETICUT: Quick Bite

HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT: based on what???

Supposedly this film is "based on" real events. The events in question most likely have little to do with the haunting. Until I have my own ghost, I'll retract my review then. Family unit has a son who has cancer and needs treatment in a town far away from the family home. They get a cheap deal on a local house (which means it's either built over an Indian grave site or another clue that the market is crashing) and cue the drama, lots of unexplained events happen while they are there. Personally, the only thing that kept me awake toward the end was Elias Koteas' presence, which I would love to haunt me sometime.

Baby Bite: Slightly more confusing than terrifying; slightly entertaining at best.

BEDTIME STORIES: Quick Bite

BEDTIME STORIES: Sweet as a gumball

I didn't like this movie at first. Adam Sandler seemed to sleepwalk the first half, perhaps on purpose. Most children's films (Shrek being notable) have something, even if subtly, to offer for the adults who brought their children to the movie to enjoy. I can't say that I felt or saw anything comparable. Sandler is the Uncle to a pair of children and a bizarro guinea pig who ends up telling bedtime stories that turn out to show an incredible similarity to incidents in the real world. Sure, predictable and not that great, but all the same, I felt warm and happy at the end of it. Cute enough for children, but no Emmy winner.

Nibble: For the children, not for the adults.

THE ONION: THE MOVIE: Quick Bite

THE ONION: THE MOVIE, REALLY STINKS

A parody movie that is both dated and not funny. Not worth the breath it takes to utter the name of the film.

Bite me: Ick.

YES MAN

SAY YES TO YES MAN!

"The era of yes has begun."

Too many romantic comedies, serious drama, horror and box office "gold" which nags and berates you to see this "must see" film. Yes Man, however, is music for the masses. Carl Allen (Jim Carrey) is "Joe Nobody". He leads a less than average life, boring, predictable and sheltered. Until one day... that one day where he runs into an old friend acting very different. He strongly urged Carl to join the "yes" movement. Curious, and with NOTHING to lose, Carl attends one of the seminars, though reluctantly. The guru, Terrence Bundley (Terence Stamp in a wonderful and dry comedic timing.) makes contact with Carl, and his life changes dramatically. He is to say YES! to everything; to experience life to its fullest. Along the way, he finds romantic love with the odd duck, Allison (portrayed by a lovely and quirky Zooey Deschanel). His life constantly expanding, what could go wrong?

I find Jim Carey an either/or actor. People loved in in Ace Ventura (which I have never been able to watch the whole thing to this day) or hated Cable Guy (which of course I loved). My introduction to him was Doing Time on Maple Drive, a serious and well acted film. No doubt I love him best for Eternal Sunshine... he is vulnerable and soft and human. Yes Man was perhaps a combination of the two. He is geeky and has his "fart humor" bit in the same way, he has attached a body and soul to those farts. He is flesh and blood and is excited the way most would be; perhaps borderline geeky. Tongue tied around his new object of desire is sweet and cute.

Hands down, this was a laugh out loud movie and I dare you to tell me otherwise.

BIG BITE: Great film, great acting, fun to watch. What else is there???

MADE OF HONOR

MADE OF HONOR LOOKS BEAUTIFUL IN TAFFETA

Once again, I bit the chick-flick/romantic comedy shield I hold so firmly in place and watched Made of Honor. Maybe it's PMS, but I really liked it. There isn't much of anything new or groundbreaking. It's a gender reversal of My Best Friend's Wedding but more well done.

The premise is simple. Men are idiots. They want to date (and screw) the beautiful, arousing yet vapid women and have the mousy/chubby/good personality type women for friends. That way they get the best of both worlds. Almost the classic Madonna/Whore complex. So the stage is set to meet the "typical" bachelor who is "bringing sexy back" one conquest at a time, Tom Baily (Patrick Dempsey in a reminiscent performance in Lover Boy 1989). He is suave and charming and smooth and the best friend of Hannah (Michelle Monaghan) having met in college in a most unusual way. Her job takes her elsewhere for a long six weeks. During that time, Einstein figures how much he misses her and has plenty of input from his circle of pals. As he is ready to have a heart-to-heart at a dinner date to profess his love, up pops Colin (Kevin McKidd) an uber-Scottish man who has captured her heart. Now the race begins as Tom does his best to stop the wedding.

This wasn't brain science nor was it any other number of films. That being said, it was a good movie. It was entertaining and engaging (pun not intended). The fun was in watching Tom make his realization and then watching Hannah catch up. Both Monaghan and Dempsey show strong and believable work here. It's the fairy tale that so many women want. We fall in love with our best friends, not showing our hand, but then he comes to his senses and once together, it feels perfect and right with the universe.

BITE: Very entertaining, well acted and sweet. Light and fluffy and worth seeing.

CONFESSIONS OF A SHOPAHOLIC

CONFESSIONS OF A SHOPAHOLIC: WHO KNEW?

With a title like that it is easy to label this film a "chick flick" without batting an eye lash. Cotton candy dresses, well accessorized and tons of shoes. It would put Carrie Bradshaw (Sex In The City) to shame.

So what. This film, for me, has the two qualities I treasure greatly. It was both magical and charming. On the outside layer, it is a movie about a young woman, Rebecca Bloomwood (Isla Fisher) who loves fashion and shopping so much she lands a hefty several thousand dollars in debt. Yes, she's quite vapid, but she has a good heart. In order to earn the money to get collections off her back, she is (accidentally) hired as a writer for a financial magazine. The inside layer offers commentary on materialism and responsibility. Like a classic Three's Company episode, this movie has a lot of misunderstandings, physical humor and underneath it all, it has heart. Of course the love interest is singled out early on (walking with a target on his back) Luke Brandon (Hugh Dancy). Let's face it; any and all Hughs from the UK are charming and unassuming. The rest of the supporting cast is star-powered and it was fun to see familiar faces.
I was set to shatter this movie with both barrels, but I really liked it. It's no No Country For Old Men or Gran Torino. It was light and fluffy and a fresh breath of air on these unseasonable hot summer days. Call me a flibbertigibbet, but this was a fun and most enjoyable film. The tango scene is beautiful.

Big unexpected BITE: What a lovely, topsy-turvey, incandescent, glowing gem of a film.

GRAN TORINO

GRAN TORINO IN MINT CONDITION

Walt Kowalski (Clint Eastwood) is a racist old coot if there ever was one. He is set in his ways, much due to his military background, while the rest comes from trying to maintain himself after the death of his wife. The neighborhood he lives in has evolved from white middle class to a multicultural soup du-jour. From the start of the film he mutters to himself constantly about the (insert racist slurs here) people who now out number him. Slowly his guard is chipped away and he begrudgingly shares in his neighbor's cultural ways. In return, he is given the chance to help his neighbors and the transformation is beautiful and captivating.

It is rare that I call a movie a work of art. This movie is a work of art. The plot is cutting edge. How can this cantankerous old man have redeeming qualities? The actors don't act; they simply are. Hands down Clint Eastwood proves, yet again, his strength and craft as an actor. The supporting cast was so believable that when watching the 'making of' extra, I could barely stand to watch the 'bad guys' behave and talk as 'normal' professional actors. This is what a perfect 10 looks like. My first car was a 1968 Gran Torino with Thor holding a sword etched in the back glass window. It didn't last long, as much as I tired to revive it. However, like this movie, it is so much more than just a story about a car. What a compelling and moving work in every piece of the motion picture pie.

Big BITE: This is a perfect piece of cinematic art. I am at a loss for words. A must see.

TWO LOVERS

THE STORY OF TWO LOVERS... AND THE DOWNFALL OF JOAQUIN PHOENIX

They say genius resides in insanity. This would be an excellent example. The film is set on a backdrop of cloudy gray Brighton Beach. Leonard (Phoenix) has just moved back in with his parents after a relationship gone bad. He makes half-hearted attempts to end his life, but he doesn't want to die. He just wants something less predictable. As his family wants, he works at their dry cleaning store, almost with his head in the clouds waiting to decide the next course of action. His uber-Jewish parents have also set him up with a "very nice Jewish girl", in hopes for marriage and all things traditional. Leonard follows slowly and blindly. He doesn't want to settle and he doesn't want to follow this well worth ancestral path. It is about this time that he notices a neighbor, Michelle (Gwyneth Paltrow) a shiksa goddess (non-Jewish) who is new and exciting and stunning and just as mentally scarred as he is. She offers him an opportunity to veer off the well beaten path. He is excited by her and she comes to depend on his gentleman virtues. So who does he choose?

Who can say what Joaquin Phoenix has going on in his head with the whole "this is my last movie" and "now I'll be a rapper" thing. The part that worries me is that he will veer off his very successful career leaving us to want more. His ability to bring this broken shell of a man out without it being over done is amazing. If this is his last film, he will go out with a bang. Gwyneth Paltrow IS that messed up but pretty girl. She is so complicated and vulnerable all at the same time. I'm not sure anyone else could have pulled that performance off. The movie is dark and cold and not a "feel good" film and it was punished for going against the grain. I've never seen a movie pull off a feeling, not a mood but a texture. It's a shame that this film did not and will not get the recognition it deserved.

BITE: A bit moody and dark, but stunning acting and well crafted.

KNOWING

KNOWING DOESN'T MAKE IT RIGHT

Wow... this film really bit the big one. An overly serious movie about life and death and beings from other worlds. Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. This is an over the top message film. Nicholas Cage, John Koestler, is a big brainiac who notices a numerical pattern on a piece of paper found in his son's school's time capsule sealed 50 years previous. So get gets all freaky in his attempt to break the 'code', but he does and then the whole world falls apart. The end.

This could have been a better movie had it some dark comedy tossed in here or there or if had just not taken itself so seriously. It was interesting, but totally predictable. Another movie I saw (I have no original thoughts) makes the point that mathematics is the one 'language' we all can understand; including space monsters. I love Cage, but he was way too life or death and it was just too much.

This BITES: Held my attention but for all the wrong reasons.

HE'S JUST NOT INTO YOU

HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU... AND MAYBE THAT'S A GOOD THING

I don't mind watching movies labeled as "chick flicks". Some are offended by the phrase, but it helps me gauge what to expect or not expect from a film. (Face it, even critics are biased.) That being said, I was hoping to catch a lighthearted comedy about relationships. I finished the DVD then went right to the bathroom to look for the razor blades.

This was some sort of cross-pollination between When Harry Met Sally (BEST relationship film ever), Sex and the City (BEST TV series on relationships) and then really bad, tedious, painful, stagnant writing and acting. You have this fabulous cast: Drew Barrymore, Ginnifer Goodwin, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Connelly, Jennifer Aniston. These fabulous women (I guess the men got the short end: RE: "Chick Flick") and nothing was good about any of it. The plots are predictable and uninteresting. The heaping piles of character attack on how women operate could fuel a hybrid car. Like some women, when it comes to men, everything revolves that relationship and all it entails. However, talking about your new boyfriend is one thing. Talking about how stupid you are when it comes to love and romance and then making more stupid choices while expecting different results, over and over and over and over and OVER AND OVER, is another thing. Luckily I am here to heed warning. I'm no brain scientist and even I wouldn't make half the cliched mistakes that happen in this flick. ACK!

BITE ME: May be tasteless but certainly not odorless. Not a good film. Go re watch WHMS.

THE BROKEN

THE BROKEN ARE NOT IN NEED OF DUCT TAPE

This is not your average horror movie. There are limited amounts of blood and horror. The rest is about Gina McVey (Lena Headley) a charming young woman who gets a bump on the head that really ruins her day. The pace is slow and steady, leading us to its crescendo at the end (as all good horror/thriller movies do). The thing that struck me was how well filmed it is. It has style, almost like a hand painted film. Love the slow-mo action. I'm not over the moon about it, but I thought it was much better than I anticipated. Luckily Lena has enough acting chops to help her pull off this thriller.
Bite: It kept me watching the whole time. Not fantastic, but entertaining.

THE UNINVITED

THE UNINVITED... MAYBE THEY SHOULD HAVE CALLED FIRST
Yes, another knock off from an Asian original. Simply, Hollywood should end this practise now. Japan, China and now Korean are steeped in their own cultures and each object or person, most times, was based on cultural meaning that is only relevant to them. Then we Americans get up and try to do a remake based on story alone and it seems to get all tangled up. When will the maddness end?! It isn't bad for us to try to branch out. It's just more pieces would fit together in their own cultural reference point.

That being said, the movie is set in a small town and on this day, Anna (Emily Browning) has just been released from a mental institution after a breakdown she suffered at the time of a terrible fire and the death of her invalid mother. She's happy to be back with her sister, but doesn't like the new addition of Rachel (Elizabeth Banks) her father's new girlfriend. From there, dark shadows threaten, doors slam, nightmarish dreams and her new "mommy-to-be" all taunt and threaten to return Anna to her previous mental breakdown. At least she has her sister to help.

This film feels like the viewer is expected to be scarred here, relieved here and then frightened... now. It's forced and just pretty boring.
This Bites: Rent the original

JUNE 25, 2009

RIP: MICHAEL JACKSON AND FARRAH FAWCETT


I'm still in shock. Before all the craziness and the paparazzi... Jackson made music that touched people all over the world. I remember liking him for his music and no one cared about his eccentricities. He was a true star and talent. He will be missed.


Fawcett's famous picture was on my older brother's wall and she was just the best thing since sliced cheese. While at recess there were fights over who "got to be" Jill (her character in Charlie's Angels). She was a beautiful actress and many have said her videotaped log kept during her cancer put a face on the disease. It's a sad day.

TAKEN

TAKEN: A GRIPPING THRILL

I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Brian Mills (Liam Neeson) is one bad ass mother f*@#*!. Do not mess with him if you want to keep your life. On the surface, he appears to be an ordinary man with a irritating ex-wife, spoiled daughter and long time friend. That is, until his daughter is abducted. Then this seemingly harmless man resorts back to his old ways as an expertly trained secret agent. And that's just the beginning. He's the type of guy who can diffuse a bomb with chewing gum and a paper clip without breaking a sweat. He is calm and methodical, taking the time to notice the little clues in hopes of locating his abducted daughter. The result is a dad who turns on the bad ass mode and we're all lucky enough to join the ride. Taken is very well written. There are enough comical moments as there are kick ass hold your breath moments. It is sleek and stylish and makes a total film gift package without the bow. It can be hard to watch things blow up or get beaten that it gets difficult to suspend your attachment to reality. Not so here. No, it's not probable that this would happen. It is plausible that this could happen.

BIG BITE: Watch this film.

LAST CHANCE HARVEY

LAST CHANCE HARVEY WORTH ANOTHER CHANCE

Harvey Shine (Dustin Hoffman) isn't the most successful man in life. In fact, the older he gets, the more the important things slip away; his now ex-wife, his job and now, on the eve of her wedding, his daughter. He's kind of a please-and-thank-you man. No waves, no stirring of the pot, not even as much as a whimper. He heads to London to the wedding, waiting for an important call back about the last jingle he has written. As he finds himself cast off from the 'new' nuclear family; which involves his ex's new husband and his daughter's 'new dad'). He almost melts down into a pool of despair and then he meets Kate (Emma Thompson). Thus begins the hint of a romance at in addition, Harvey finds his self-esteem. This is a typical Yankee man who lives his life around work instead of relationships. The transition he makes from wimp to super man; kind of. His "super man" is just a regular man who has found that he can be assertive, a rebel, and a man who takes from life rather than a spectator. It's a movie about real people, real relationships and real triumph.

BITE: Slow to build, but very fulfilling character drama.