I LOVE YOU MAN: Quick Bite

I LOVE YOU MAN... I LOVE YOU A WHOLE LOT

Just when I've given up on love, in walks a movie with a whole different twist. Peter Klaven (Paul Rudd) and Zooey (Rashida Jones) are about to get married. Problem is, once all the wedding plans are in motion, it becomes painfully obvious that Peter doesn't have any guy friends. So this is a love story about a man, a woman and another man; but not in the way that you think. This is a fresh and hilarious movie, perfectly cast and acted, that was so funny I thought I might pee my pants. Sydney (Jason Segel) is a perfect answer for Peter's plight. His actions and the twists and turns keep you guessing and also points out how cynical we can be. Rush fans need apply.
BIG BITE: Be sure to watch the extras. The gag reel alone will make you chuckle.

THE UNBORN: Very Quick Bite

THE UNBORN SHOULD HAVE STAYED THAT WAY

Bad acting, cheap screams, convoluted plot, dud of an ending. The only thing that kept me watching, aside of feelings of duty, was the Rabbi who breathed fresh air into the movie and performed an entertaining exorcism.

Bite Me: Can I have my rental fee back???

REVOLUTIONARY ROAD: Quick Bite

REVOLUTIONARY ROAD, A DEAD END

The breakdown of a marriage carried out by a young couple who leads lives of quiet desperation. I can rave about the work well done for a period picture, but am left far from satiated over the film and the performances. The film, based on a best selling book, doesn't seem to be able to pull off the message. It comes close, but not close enough. I found it boring and pedantic, wondering when 'that scene' would play out and make the movie come to a climax. I love both actors, but found that they didn't have the same chemistry they did as young lovers in Titanic. The acted at each other rather than with each other. I didn't care about either of them, which a good film does; it engages you. I may be the only one who feels this way, but I call 'em as I see 'em.

Polite Nibble: Like being on the edge of orgasm and not finding release.

OBSESSED: Quick Bite

OBSESSED IS MAD CRAZY

There is one and only Fatal Attraction and this film is a cheap knockoff. It's a good thing Beyonce (Mrs. Sharon Charles) can sing, because she certainly can't act. Typical rehash of man, Derek (Idris Elba) who is happily married and wonderful and great and his wife is beautiful and wonderful and great and they have a baby who is wonderful and great. No one in movie land can let all things be so wonderful and great. Ali Larter is Lisa, the more than just hot temp who works her way around Derek's office. Soon she is obsessed (great title!) with him and does all sorts of crazy, boring things to squeeze into the family photo. Larter is a hot babe, but doesn't seem to be able to act like she's mentally deficient as Elba can't seem to act enough to say a believable 'no' to her advances. All over, not even a speck of a good film.

Bite Me: Perhaps it would have been a better movie if someone did bite someone else. Lame.

HAUNTING IN CONNETICUT: Quick Bite

HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT: based on what???

Supposedly this film is "based on" real events. The events in question most likely have little to do with the haunting. Until I have my own ghost, I'll retract my review then. Family unit has a son who has cancer and needs treatment in a town far away from the family home. They get a cheap deal on a local house (which means it's either built over an Indian grave site or another clue that the market is crashing) and cue the drama, lots of unexplained events happen while they are there. Personally, the only thing that kept me awake toward the end was Elias Koteas' presence, which I would love to haunt me sometime.

Baby Bite: Slightly more confusing than terrifying; slightly entertaining at best.

BEDTIME STORIES: Quick Bite

BEDTIME STORIES: Sweet as a gumball

I didn't like this movie at first. Adam Sandler seemed to sleepwalk the first half, perhaps on purpose. Most children's films (Shrek being notable) have something, even if subtly, to offer for the adults who brought their children to the movie to enjoy. I can't say that I felt or saw anything comparable. Sandler is the Uncle to a pair of children and a bizarro guinea pig who ends up telling bedtime stories that turn out to show an incredible similarity to incidents in the real world. Sure, predictable and not that great, but all the same, I felt warm and happy at the end of it. Cute enough for children, but no Emmy winner.

Nibble: For the children, not for the adults.

THE ONION: THE MOVIE: Quick Bite

THE ONION: THE MOVIE, REALLY STINKS

A parody movie that is both dated and not funny. Not worth the breath it takes to utter the name of the film.

Bite me: Ick.

YES MAN

SAY YES TO YES MAN!

"The era of yes has begun."

Too many romantic comedies, serious drama, horror and box office "gold" which nags and berates you to see this "must see" film. Yes Man, however, is music for the masses. Carl Allen (Jim Carrey) is "Joe Nobody". He leads a less than average life, boring, predictable and sheltered. Until one day... that one day where he runs into an old friend acting very different. He strongly urged Carl to join the "yes" movement. Curious, and with NOTHING to lose, Carl attends one of the seminars, though reluctantly. The guru, Terrence Bundley (Terence Stamp in a wonderful and dry comedic timing.) makes contact with Carl, and his life changes dramatically. He is to say YES! to everything; to experience life to its fullest. Along the way, he finds romantic love with the odd duck, Allison (portrayed by a lovely and quirky Zooey Deschanel). His life constantly expanding, what could go wrong?

I find Jim Carey an either/or actor. People loved in in Ace Ventura (which I have never been able to watch the whole thing to this day) or hated Cable Guy (which of course I loved). My introduction to him was Doing Time on Maple Drive, a serious and well acted film. No doubt I love him best for Eternal Sunshine... he is vulnerable and soft and human. Yes Man was perhaps a combination of the two. He is geeky and has his "fart humor" bit in the same way, he has attached a body and soul to those farts. He is flesh and blood and is excited the way most would be; perhaps borderline geeky. Tongue tied around his new object of desire is sweet and cute.

Hands down, this was a laugh out loud movie and I dare you to tell me otherwise.

BIG BITE: Great film, great acting, fun to watch. What else is there???

MADE OF HONOR

MADE OF HONOR LOOKS BEAUTIFUL IN TAFFETA

Once again, I bit the chick-flick/romantic comedy shield I hold so firmly in place and watched Made of Honor. Maybe it's PMS, but I really liked it. There isn't much of anything new or groundbreaking. It's a gender reversal of My Best Friend's Wedding but more well done.

The premise is simple. Men are idiots. They want to date (and screw) the beautiful, arousing yet vapid women and have the mousy/chubby/good personality type women for friends. That way they get the best of both worlds. Almost the classic Madonna/Whore complex. So the stage is set to meet the "typical" bachelor who is "bringing sexy back" one conquest at a time, Tom Baily (Patrick Dempsey in a reminiscent performance in Lover Boy 1989). He is suave and charming and smooth and the best friend of Hannah (Michelle Monaghan) having met in college in a most unusual way. Her job takes her elsewhere for a long six weeks. During that time, Einstein figures how much he misses her and has plenty of input from his circle of pals. As he is ready to have a heart-to-heart at a dinner date to profess his love, up pops Colin (Kevin McKidd) an uber-Scottish man who has captured her heart. Now the race begins as Tom does his best to stop the wedding.

This wasn't brain science nor was it any other number of films. That being said, it was a good movie. It was entertaining and engaging (pun not intended). The fun was in watching Tom make his realization and then watching Hannah catch up. Both Monaghan and Dempsey show strong and believable work here. It's the fairy tale that so many women want. We fall in love with our best friends, not showing our hand, but then he comes to his senses and once together, it feels perfect and right with the universe.

BITE: Very entertaining, well acted and sweet. Light and fluffy and worth seeing.

CONFESSIONS OF A SHOPAHOLIC

CONFESSIONS OF A SHOPAHOLIC: WHO KNEW?

With a title like that it is easy to label this film a "chick flick" without batting an eye lash. Cotton candy dresses, well accessorized and tons of shoes. It would put Carrie Bradshaw (Sex In The City) to shame.

So what. This film, for me, has the two qualities I treasure greatly. It was both magical and charming. On the outside layer, it is a movie about a young woman, Rebecca Bloomwood (Isla Fisher) who loves fashion and shopping so much she lands a hefty several thousand dollars in debt. Yes, she's quite vapid, but she has a good heart. In order to earn the money to get collections off her back, she is (accidentally) hired as a writer for a financial magazine. The inside layer offers commentary on materialism and responsibility. Like a classic Three's Company episode, this movie has a lot of misunderstandings, physical humor and underneath it all, it has heart. Of course the love interest is singled out early on (walking with a target on his back) Luke Brandon (Hugh Dancy). Let's face it; any and all Hughs from the UK are charming and unassuming. The rest of the supporting cast is star-powered and it was fun to see familiar faces.
I was set to shatter this movie with both barrels, but I really liked it. It's no No Country For Old Men or Gran Torino. It was light and fluffy and a fresh breath of air on these unseasonable hot summer days. Call me a flibbertigibbet, but this was a fun and most enjoyable film. The tango scene is beautiful.

Big unexpected BITE: What a lovely, topsy-turvey, incandescent, glowing gem of a film.

GRAN TORINO

GRAN TORINO IN MINT CONDITION

Walt Kowalski (Clint Eastwood) is a racist old coot if there ever was one. He is set in his ways, much due to his military background, while the rest comes from trying to maintain himself after the death of his wife. The neighborhood he lives in has evolved from white middle class to a multicultural soup du-jour. From the start of the film he mutters to himself constantly about the (insert racist slurs here) people who now out number him. Slowly his guard is chipped away and he begrudgingly shares in his neighbor's cultural ways. In return, he is given the chance to help his neighbors and the transformation is beautiful and captivating.

It is rare that I call a movie a work of art. This movie is a work of art. The plot is cutting edge. How can this cantankerous old man have redeeming qualities? The actors don't act; they simply are. Hands down Clint Eastwood proves, yet again, his strength and craft as an actor. The supporting cast was so believable that when watching the 'making of' extra, I could barely stand to watch the 'bad guys' behave and talk as 'normal' professional actors. This is what a perfect 10 looks like. My first car was a 1968 Gran Torino with Thor holding a sword etched in the back glass window. It didn't last long, as much as I tired to revive it. However, like this movie, it is so much more than just a story about a car. What a compelling and moving work in every piece of the motion picture pie.

Big BITE: This is a perfect piece of cinematic art. I am at a loss for words. A must see.

TWO LOVERS

THE STORY OF TWO LOVERS... AND THE DOWNFALL OF JOAQUIN PHOENIX

They say genius resides in insanity. This would be an excellent example. The film is set on a backdrop of cloudy gray Brighton Beach. Leonard (Phoenix) has just moved back in with his parents after a relationship gone bad. He makes half-hearted attempts to end his life, but he doesn't want to die. He just wants something less predictable. As his family wants, he works at their dry cleaning store, almost with his head in the clouds waiting to decide the next course of action. His uber-Jewish parents have also set him up with a "very nice Jewish girl", in hopes for marriage and all things traditional. Leonard follows slowly and blindly. He doesn't want to settle and he doesn't want to follow this well worth ancestral path. It is about this time that he notices a neighbor, Michelle (Gwyneth Paltrow) a shiksa goddess (non-Jewish) who is new and exciting and stunning and just as mentally scarred as he is. She offers him an opportunity to veer off the well beaten path. He is excited by her and she comes to depend on his gentleman virtues. So who does he choose?

Who can say what Joaquin Phoenix has going on in his head with the whole "this is my last movie" and "now I'll be a rapper" thing. The part that worries me is that he will veer off his very successful career leaving us to want more. His ability to bring this broken shell of a man out without it being over done is amazing. If this is his last film, he will go out with a bang. Gwyneth Paltrow IS that messed up but pretty girl. She is so complicated and vulnerable all at the same time. I'm not sure anyone else could have pulled that performance off. The movie is dark and cold and not a "feel good" film and it was punished for going against the grain. I've never seen a movie pull off a feeling, not a mood but a texture. It's a shame that this film did not and will not get the recognition it deserved.

BITE: A bit moody and dark, but stunning acting and well crafted.

KNOWING

KNOWING DOESN'T MAKE IT RIGHT

Wow... this film really bit the big one. An overly serious movie about life and death and beings from other worlds. Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. This is an over the top message film. Nicholas Cage, John Koestler, is a big brainiac who notices a numerical pattern on a piece of paper found in his son's school's time capsule sealed 50 years previous. So get gets all freaky in his attempt to break the 'code', but he does and then the whole world falls apart. The end.

This could have been a better movie had it some dark comedy tossed in here or there or if had just not taken itself so seriously. It was interesting, but totally predictable. Another movie I saw (I have no original thoughts) makes the point that mathematics is the one 'language' we all can understand; including space monsters. I love Cage, but he was way too life or death and it was just too much.

This BITES: Held my attention but for all the wrong reasons.

HE'S JUST NOT INTO YOU

HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU... AND MAYBE THAT'S A GOOD THING

I don't mind watching movies labeled as "chick flicks". Some are offended by the phrase, but it helps me gauge what to expect or not expect from a film. (Face it, even critics are biased.) That being said, I was hoping to catch a lighthearted comedy about relationships. I finished the DVD then went right to the bathroom to look for the razor blades.

This was some sort of cross-pollination between When Harry Met Sally (BEST relationship film ever), Sex and the City (BEST TV series on relationships) and then really bad, tedious, painful, stagnant writing and acting. You have this fabulous cast: Drew Barrymore, Ginnifer Goodwin, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Connelly, Jennifer Aniston. These fabulous women (I guess the men got the short end: RE: "Chick Flick") and nothing was good about any of it. The plots are predictable and uninteresting. The heaping piles of character attack on how women operate could fuel a hybrid car. Like some women, when it comes to men, everything revolves that relationship and all it entails. However, talking about your new boyfriend is one thing. Talking about how stupid you are when it comes to love and romance and then making more stupid choices while expecting different results, over and over and over and over and OVER AND OVER, is another thing. Luckily I am here to heed warning. I'm no brain scientist and even I wouldn't make half the cliched mistakes that happen in this flick. ACK!

BITE ME: May be tasteless but certainly not odorless. Not a good film. Go re watch WHMS.

THE BROKEN

THE BROKEN ARE NOT IN NEED OF DUCT TAPE

This is not your average horror movie. There are limited amounts of blood and horror. The rest is about Gina McVey (Lena Headley) a charming young woman who gets a bump on the head that really ruins her day. The pace is slow and steady, leading us to its crescendo at the end (as all good horror/thriller movies do). The thing that struck me was how well filmed it is. It has style, almost like a hand painted film. Love the slow-mo action. I'm not over the moon about it, but I thought it was much better than I anticipated. Luckily Lena has enough acting chops to help her pull off this thriller.
Bite: It kept me watching the whole time. Not fantastic, but entertaining.