SOMETHING BORROWED: SOMETHING BLUE, LIKE THIS FLICK

What a sad little film this turned out to be! Rachel (sweet Ginnifer Goodwin) falls for a college classmate Dex (Colin Egglesfield) but the friendship borderlines on romance gets sidetracked when her pushy, testosterone driven "best friend" (Kate Hudson) decides to date him. So good little egg Rachel tries hard to put him out of her mind while helping with the wedding plans, but is still attracted to him. So here begins the chase of cat and mouse and other cat. It's ugly and it's mean and if that's what you have for a best friend, then you have worse problems than Rachel does. It's the case of the bitch versus the doormat. Worse than that, when there is no way out of the pickle they are in, the story line goes way overboard and tries for a happily ever after that fizzles. Skip this and see ANYTHING ELSE!

KNIGHT AND DAY: REALLY???? COME ON, REALLY???

If I had not been watching this movie with my friend Susy chances are it would not have even finished it, nonetheless made it through the first 10 minutes. There are so many bad things that I could tell you about this movie but you probably wouldn't believe me. There is absolutely no chemistry Tom Cruise Cameron Diaz, which is surprising what they showed in Vanilla Sky. The plot is unbelievable and treats the audience like they are brainless. Diaz acts just as brainless, until the movie plot needs her to all of a sudden become an intelligent and well trained super spy like Tom Cruise's character. There are one or two, clever pieces of dialogue but that does not make a movie. Be sure to look for this film at an awards ceremony, however, it will most likely be the Razzies.

KILLERS: THE MOST ADORABLE NEWLYWEDS PACKING HEAT (NOT!)

Jen Kornfeldt: How weird is this going to get?

Because some things you cannot unsee.

...Like this movie for one. Just another silly movie in a long line of silly movies trying to find some kind of charisma that matched Angelina and Brad had in Mr. and Mrs. Smith. By any means this is not a good film. It is full of inappropriate reactions and predictable behaviors and everything is treated way too lightly because the rest of the film certainly does not follow the comedy genre. It makes no sense why they meet in the first place. So basically, the film is about this worldly suave highly capable expert enforcer (Ashton Kutcher) who accidentally runs into "Jen" (Katherine Heigl) somehow manages to fall in love with her and starts a whole new life putting his past behind him. Although we all know that a past like that does not stay secret for long. The ending is convoluted and if possible even more silly than the beginning. This movie was basically painful to watch. Catherine O'Hara and Tom Selleck as Jen's parents offer up a little bit of substance to enjoy. Additionally when the bonus features offer 17 alternate endings I get a little suspicious that they didn't quite know where they were going with the film in the first place. All in all it was a movie that should be missed at all costs.

THE RUNAWAYS: KEEP RUNNING

Kim Fowley: Girls nowadays, they don't have any role models.

This band is self-empowerment, man - Aphrodite, Cleopatra, Eurydice!

No more second-class status, sitting at concerts with asshole boyfriends who worship bands from a Popular Mechanics evaluation of amplifiers.

The Runaways have the most chance of any group I've seen...

To do with the Beatles did. To tear this world apart.

Terrible. terrible. Terrible. I wish the movie had been about Kim Fowley instead (Michael Shannon) as he was the much more passionate member of this band in this film. I was expecting a shocking, kick ass performance by Dakota Fanning as Cherrie Curry to show us all what a talent to be reckoned with she has become. Instead I kept waiting for her to wake up and start acting. For a set the world on fire band movie this was a fizzle. Fowley was the most interesting and spirited character with Kristen Stewart ringing in as Joan Jett as the close second. She was able to show some grit and some balls, but she was the only one. Otherwise it was a film about some silly little girls who started the first most successful all-girl rock band. Frankly, the band deserved better treatment than this. Fanning was a bomb, but no the kind Cherrie Curry was. Not a movie I recommend.

DATE NIGHT: CANCEL THIS DATE

From the writer who brought you Shrek... how high were our expectations for this film?! How can a movie staring two of the funniest actors turn out so bad? A terrible script. Just watch the gag reel at the end of the film to see that pairing these two together was a great idea, just not for this film. It was silly, boring and tiresome with an utterly predictable plot. The boring married couple try to spice up their lives by going into the City for dinner instead of the Denny's down the street and simply by taking someone elses reservation (what bastard would do that!?) they are led into a plot that feels much like a Three's Company episode. Tina Fey and Steve Carell are the Foster's and they are funny; just not in the way the film intended. This is the first movie where I actually felt embarrassed for the actors. How many times does the plot have to be explained by the characters in their dialogues? It was just terrible. Worse than that at 88 minutes it was still too long. The only thing that kept my interest was the many visits to Marky Mark Wahlberg without a shirt and even that grew tiresome. Go out on a date, just don't waste your time watching this dud.

ABANDONED: IS THE LEAST THIS FILM DESERVES TO BE

Staring at the skeletal shell that was once Brittany Murphy, this movie is one to be missed. Weak story, bad acting and terrible everything else. I fast forwarded during the many chase scenes but that still did not help. Do not see this movie. It is a waste to time and a poor memory of someone who deserves to rest in peace.

SEX IN THE CITY II: PASSPORT TO NOWHERE

Unless you're a big fan of SITC, don't even bother with this "film". I am a fan of the HBO series and I barely enjoyed this one. It wasn't such a movie as it was meeting up with friends you haven't seen in a long time for coffee and gossip. This time, on a much lighter note, the ladies travel to Abu Dhabi for some Samantha reason and get to spend time in a lavish mirage in the desert. Who wears Prada when you know you are going to be sweating? Of course Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker) runs into ex-flame Aidan (John Corbett) and there is some... wait, the plot really doesn't matter. Unless you know SITC and its cast and characters DON'T SEE THIS FILM. I might say that if you DO know, but it is always slightly fun to catch up with the "girls". Nonetheless, it is a pretty bad movie. Save the time and read the reviews online and use your imagination instead.

THE STEPFATHER: WHO'S YOUR DADDY NOW?

A remake of the 1987 thriller by the same name with more skin shots. It was a disappointment to see Dylan Walsh who I adored in Nip/Tuck feel that he had to show the "bad guy" part of his acting chops. Pretty much of a waste of film.

No bite: May have well been a movie about garlic.

2012

2012 PARTY OVER, ALMOST OUT OF TIME

"So tonight we're gonna party like it's 2012..." Yeah, the movie didn't work either. Damn solar flares! Just when you think you have the whole 'end of days' stuff down, the Mayan calendar comes along and within minutes, predicts the end of the world as we know it and I don't feel fine. So much buzz on this movie and SO much disappointment. Basically, the earth turns into a big pond and hurray, John Cusack and his family survive. Don't get me wrong, I love John Cusack and Amanda Peet, but come on. Yeah, that may be a spoiler, but too bad. If you can sit through that much of this film then you at least deserve to know the stupid and unreasonable and unrealistic ending. At 158 minutes, "2012" is Roland Emmerich's second-longest film and needs editing. Some of the special effects are kinda neat looking, but nothing groundbreaking or thrilling to watch. The characters are unbelievable and make likewise decisions during the course of the film. It just doesn't make sense. The realization of what is going on behind the special effects is sickening and for there to be some hint of a happy ending doesn't work. This was just a really poorly executed (bad pun) film with throwaway characters (except Woody Harrelson who was fun but wasted) (wasted as an actor not stoned) (although he might have been, who knows). I'm just glad I got the movie from Redbox and only had to pay a dollar. It wasn't worth it, but better than $9 at the theater.
Lack of a bite: Really bad movie

YEAR ONE

YEAR ONE: LESS FUNNY THAN THE CAVEMAN COMMERCIALS WHICH ARE REALLY NOT FUNNY... WAY WAY LESS

With a great supporting cast, I was hoping to find Jack Black filling the movie being funny in his awkward way. Didn't happen. Can I have my time back?! This was far worse than anything that comes to mind as of late. I would rather watch Lindsay Lohan's I Know Who Killed Me again. The other body in the picture is 'Juno's boyfriend' and not a great addition to the cast.  It was crass, dimwitted and a waste of film; full of poop jokes and farts, even the gag reel is unfunny. There is an attempt to put a message at the end of the movie and it fell flat. I am not surprised, but very disappointed. This film is a literal piece of crap.
NOT CLOSE TO A BITE: I wouldn't put my fangs neat this film. Ick!!!

KLIMT

KLIMT... IF ONLY THE FILM WAS AS PRETTY AS HIS ART

What a total waste of time and money. Perhaps there is some huge subliminal message in this film, but if so, I totally missed it. John Malkovich doesn't even try to "be" Klimt. I don't even think he is acting; perhaps sleepwalking through the movie. So we are back in Vienna circa 1900 and that's as far as it gets. Nothing else makes sense in this movie. It's like a David Lynch movie on acid, aside from the lack of little people. There is a surreal feel throughout the movie that made me wonder if something was slipped into my drink. This film does not give any kind of actual information about him, only images and suggestion; kind of like a long Calvin Klein commercial.
Not a pick: Terrible, horrible movie; spend your time looking at his art instead.