MAX PAYNE

MAX PAYNE INDEED PAYNEFUL



Oh, where to start... This movie was very, very, very, very, pretty. The use of shadows disbursed with primary colors gave it an unoriginal, but pretty look. I didn't know this movie was based on a video game when I watched it. Noticing the first part of the movie was full of scantily clad, silicone women I can now see the intended demographic. The plot was so thin and recycled it almost didn't exist. Instead the dark shadows and Max Payne's (Marky-Mark Walhberg) brooding stare took center stage with the snow. The whole movie had this huge snowfall, that never seemed to stick. It was pretty too. Of course there was the clique bad guy, the one who seems most helpful then turns around and stabs the hero in the back. Chris O'Donnell was unrecognisable in the film and he did something too. None of this movie even tried to make sense and none of the characters were consistent. The ending was not only unsatisfying, but really stupid.

True to form, Marky-Mark (If you weren't born then or didn't know, Marky-Mark started out his career as a "rapper" with a lot of underwear ads for Calvin Klein. Now by just going by Mark and trying to act, he tries to fit in where he doesn't belong. He seems to operate in one mode as portrayed by Andy Samburg of Saturday Night Live (look it up on You Tube).

BITE me: A sorry waste of time both to film the movie and to watch it.

VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA

VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA: "Speak English!"

Who would have guessed that one of film making's worst and scariest bad-guy Javier Bardem in No Country For Old Men, would turn into a Lothario, dripping with charisma and raw sexuality?

Vicky (Rebecca Hall) and Cristina (Scarlet Johansson) head off to Barcelona on a summer romp. Vicky is due to be married soon, to fit into her "role" as a woman, and Cristina is a restless soul, unsure of what she wants (but sure of what she doesn't want). It is there that they meet up with Juan Antonio (Bardem) who directly asks them both to join him on a plane trip to a nearby town and a night in bed. Despite all the warnings of how women need to act while traveling abroad, the two join him and the rest is a complicated Allen-esk tale of love, relationships, sensuality, romance and the complicated nature of combining all together. Woody is on top of his game with this film. The less I know of his personal life, the more I find myself enjoying his films. The dialogue was sharp and clever, but not pretentious. The plot held just enough suspense to keep it both real and enjoyable. The acting, by far, was top notch. It seems that Woody has his favorites and now it is Johansson. He wrote the part with her in mind and it shows. Hall and Bardem are also just right for their roles. However, it is Penelope Cruz, Maria Elena, Juan Antonio's ex-wife who cuts through the story like a wildfire. She is the perfect passionate Latina who is just crazy enough to be exciting and engaging. Just when the story takes another turn and you start to predict, you are thrown into another direction, much like Bardem who had to learn to drive for this film. This film is enjoyable and endearing, from the writing to the actors. The only explosion comes from Cruz and the chase scenes are much more sensual than frightening. Not to be missed.
BIG bite: Thoroughly entertaining and mesmerizing. Another tightly woven piece of film making art.

THE WOMEN: QUICK BITE

THE WOMEN: FIRST EVER FATAL CASE OF PMS
My mother took me to see the stage version of The Women. From first memory she has been a feminist trying to help women gain their own identity and power. To my mother and all the other women in the world who have been working hard to see the first woman president, I both warn and apologise on behalf of those who tried to re-shoot The Women. This was a universal star driven film which makes it such a shame. Didn't anyone look up from their script and say 'Hey, this sounds way too preachy and stereotypical, couldn't I just say okay or something instead?' The script went through several re-writes; like 10. Don't you think that after 10 there might be a lesson in that waiting to happen. It's almost as bad as the feminine hygiene or birth control ads on TV. Everyone was trying sooo hard as the words kept coming from their well polished and injected lips. More than disappointing, this movie was offensive and disastrous. WORST movie I've seen since LiLo's I Know Who...
BITE ME: This movie was a shame and a shambles and doesn't earn another word.

EAGLE EYE: QUICK BITE

EAGLE EYE 2008 SPACEY ODDITY
What a cat and mouse game this was! Totally unbelievable, unoriginal and irrational, but interestingly scripted and filmed. Going to the movies suspends reality so we can enjoy more than our 9-5 jobs, paying taxes and watching the economy tank. In an odd way, this movie did do that. From scene to scene to student to dialog, we are thrown, along with our heroes Jerry Shaw (Shia LaBouf) and Rachel Hollowmon (Michelle Monaghan). Long story short, they find themselves on the run. The rest is not necessary because they run ... a LOT and they are well choreographed scenes and it sucks you in. Billy Bob Thornton steps in from here to there to show his official and nonofficial support of this film. "Open the pod bay doors Hal." Most everyone is predictable, but it doesn't make it less fun to watch.
BITE: Just because it isn't believable doesn't make it less fun.

GHOST TOWN: Quick Bite

GHOST TOWN: CLOSE TO DEAD ON ARRIVAL
Too bad this lackluster movie did fare better at the box office. The plot has been recycled; at least being green is in this year. Dentist, Bertram Pincus (Ricky Gervais, genius of British TV, The Office originator)

is a bit of a pratt. Later he is called an asshole. He's not. He's British. After a routine colonoscopy goes bad, he discovers that he was dead for 7 minutes during the procedure, give or take. What happens when someone dies? Yes, they can 'see dead people'. Turns out he see sees a great number of them who want to fix something they didn't finish before they died. Now, the undead can be pretty snippy, but Frank (the dashing yet still funny Greg Kinnear) takes hold of the situation or course, so he can repair something he left undone. (A LOT like Ghost). Tea Leoni (Frank's widow) is the target and the smooth talking (NOT) ladies man (NOT) dentist (yeah, okay) has to interface with her so he can mend the ways. Nothing new, and mildly entertaining, Ricky Gervais should have had more un-scripted screen time. Neither Leoni or Kinnear really held my attention. However, there were some fairly serious scenes that came off as truly authentic. Not too "Ghost"-like, but heartfelt, no tears, just a cautionary reminder to us all.

NOT a bite: Entertaining not laugh out loud funny, maybe once or twice. Kinda-sorta-okay.

HELL BOY II: Quick Bite

HELL BOY II LUKEWARM

Oh, how the power of love can bring one to kill at at the same time reason to live. Now, toss in an odd array of characters, plots to rule the world and you've got a movie. If you didn't see part I, then this film may be a little hard to pick up without a back story. No one was outstanding in anyway. There were a few scenes and/or one liners that were incredibly funny, but such does not a movie make. A special few will see and understand this film. Not good news for the rest of us.

DOESN'T FLY: Not a smooth movie, but half heatedly entertaining at best.

MAMA MIA: BITE SIZE REVIEW

MAMA MIA, DIOS MIO
What a party! Giggly girls, dancing and singing... ah the fun of living in the sun on a beautiful island having been marooned with only ABBA's music styling. EVERYTHING was SO Broadway theatrical; the movements, the overacting, the staging. So Donna's (Meryl Streep) daughter (Sophie) is getting married and she secretly sent invitations to three of her mother's lovers from before she was born to try to discover which one her father is. Sophie and Donna's friends arrive, screaming and giggling and dancing and overacting... Thing is, the cast tried to sing. Why couldn't they do some lip syncing? Just when I though Meryl was bad, came alone Pierce Brosnan. A good actor and a fine man who made my ears bleed throughout the movie. Perhaps if I had been drinking it might have helped, but it was not an enjoyable movie for me. I can see many people liked it, but my guess is more for the music than the film. And yes, I have been listening to the real ABBA trying to clear this all singing all dancing movie from my head. Lighthearted and bubbly (just not for me).
BITE BACK: Sweet attempt to lighten us up, fails in the acting/singing efforts.

AMERICAN TEEN

AMERICAN TEEN REAL LIFE BREAKFAST CLUB

This documentary tracks the lives of a handful of students in Indiana through their school year in 2006 and is comparable on many levels to the Breakfast Club, the 1995 John Hughes film about different types of school cliques who have to serve a day in detention together. We have the geek, jock, princess, rebel and outcast only after the movie is over, you wonder exactly which label belonged to whom, or do the labels apply at all.

This is the first documentary I've seen that does not feel like a documentary. Through creative use of animation and a strong score it plays much more like an engrossing, hypnotic regular drama. To watch the raw, emotional cruelty, heartbreak, and social pressure reminded me of my own high school experience. In contrast to Hughes' Breakfast Club, in American Teen we see deep down into the lives of these students: peer pressure, parents, stress, relationships and goals set for after graduation. The film brings you into the movie and demands that you feel and relate to these kids and you do; sometimes awkward, sometimes painful but always real and universal.

PICK: A hypnotic snapshot of the lives of real American teenagers.

HANCOCK

HANCOCK... A REAL PRICK

Ray: People should love you. They really should, okay? And I want to deliver that for you. It's the least that I can do. You're a superhero. Kids should be running up to you, asking for your autograph, people should be cheering you on the streets...

Hancock: [yelling to crowd of neighbors watching]

What the hell you pricks looking at?

I watched this film, took notes and everything, yet forgot about it for a whole month. That's how forgettable this movie is. What is unforgivable is the stereotypical ethnic and homophobic slurs, even if he pretty much slurs everyone and everything. He is the anti-superhero. With Batman, Bruce Wayne came first and Batman his second identity; same with Iron Man. However this not-so-super-superhero had to take the journey to transform into a man. The movie wants us to see how sad and lonely he is and that the bad attitude masks that pain. It plain doesn't work. THEN, when you thought you had the main plot figured out and the movie should end, there comes a major plot twist (enter the wasted Charlize Theron) that is so unbelievable it could only happen on a soap opera. Terrible, terrible, terrible... the one and only thing I liked about Hancock was Ray Embrey (Jason Bateman). He is one of our more underrated actors but his sense of comedic timing and authentic approach made the rest of the film slightly bearable.
NOT a pick: If you are a huge Jason Bateman fan, be my guest; otherwise not a good film.

GET SMART

GET SMART NEEDS JUST THAT

This is a rarity in my world. A movie that I stopped watching before the end. I have seen a lot of bad movies and movies that I wished I didn't watch, but few that I didn't see to the end. Steve Carell is one of the most funny actors ever. Every week I watch the Office and it is his antics that make me laugh out loud. From what I saw in this film, that ability fell flat; as did Anne Hathaway's performance and sadly, Dwayne Johnson (aka The Rock). Johnson has successfully found his other talent, which is good comedic timing. He went from macho tough guy action star to "regular" acting, comedic acting at that and surprise, he is good at it! (See Southland Tales) Again, what I saw of this film, he fell down and went boom. I am of the generation that can remember this TV show; Mr. Bond meets Mr. Magoo. Some shows were not meant to be made into movies (MOST of them) and I'm sorry to say this one got lost in the shuffle. Take my comments with a grain of salt. Perhaps I left the movie when it was just getting good. However, I was too sleepy to tell. You make the call.

NOT a pick: Just because a recipe has all the ingredients, doesn't make the food taste good.

PARANOID PARK

PARANOID PARK SHOULD WATCH OUT FOR ITSELF
Sure, Gus Van Sant has put before us groundbreaking work (My Own Private Idaho, Drugstore Cowboy, ) and the new in theaters, with much acclaim, Milk with Sean Penn. However, this flick was one that needed to seep through the cracks. He creates a great landscape for our main character, awkward teen, Alex (Gabe Nevins) and his unknown slew of skater-non-actors in Portland. The movie is gray, as is much of the Pacific Northwest. It's much like watching surveillance video than a feature film. There is little dialogue and what is spoken sounds like acting. The pretext of a plot enfolds painfully slowly and when the "secret" is finally shown to the audience, it is a huge letdown. That's it? Milk is a vast improvement of Van Sant's ability and I haven't even seen it yet!
NOT a pick: Skip the film and stare outside at the rain and you will get the same effect.

HAMLET 2

HAMLET II: THIS IS NOT YOUR CHILDREN'S HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL!

T'was the night before Christmas and all through my place, the movies were playing, and this I embraced...

A failing drama teacher, Dana Marschz (exuberantly portrayed by Steve Coogan) has been told that the drama department, like the music and arts programs, has been cut due to lack of funding. So, as a final farewell Dana produces his opus and production has begun on the most hilarious and SO un-politically correct play to any school's date. This was a refreshing, unpredictable and fun movie: a cross between Saved, High School Musical and South Park. When faced with a stereotypical class, we find pleasant twists and turns than has been seen in movies like Dangerous Minds.

The characters these actors portray are priceless. Catherine Keener is Dana's bitch of a heartless wife. Amy Poeler an enthusiastic ACLU defender of the 1st Amendment and Elizabeth Shue, who we find working as a nurse to 'get out of the business'. The kids (probably in their early 20's) performed seamlessly. All of them were outstanding; you couldn't just pick one. This film was the most unconventional and I found myself laughing at the most crude, physical humor (no, not like Step Brothers). The melody of "Rock Me Sexy Jesus" playing in my head this eve of the birth of Jesus, will let you know where the smile came from. Not terrible clever for dialogue, but the plot and it's winding road combined with Dana's sheer enthusiasm make for good entertainment. Watch the way his body moves; reminiscent of a young Drew Carey. It looked so authentic and real. Charming.
PICK: A bit over the top and an excellent performance from Steve Coogan makes this a gem.

BURN AFTER READING

BURN AFTER READING IS FIRE PROOF

What a bunch of dorks, and that is meant in the best way possible. The Coen brothers whose NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN shocked and amazed us, pulled off another coup de grace in this film.

It revolves around a newly 'fired' CIA analyst (Maniacal John Malkovich), a fitness gym and a handful of their vacant employees (Frances McDormand and Brad Pitt) a few affairs and a lot of middle aged people in crisis doing dumb stuff. The movie was written with the majority of the actors in mind so to see them so well cast is not surprising.

George Clooney as Harry Pfarrer (having an affair with Cox's wife, the amazing Tilda Swinton) looks like he is having fun. He has been known for his pranks on fellow actors but here the joke is on him and he embraces it fully. Harry Pfarrer's obsession with staying in shape is probably an in-joke about Clooney's infamous weight gain for his role as a CIA agent in Syriana. Really delightful to see him not so somber. McDormand is a silly witless fool who keeps her eye on the prize; cosmetic surgery. Brad Pitt is her partner in crime, Chad Feldheimer who is perhaps the most dorky of them all. Upon meeting Cox, he uses the name 'Mr. Black' from the movie Meet Joe Black. He would have owned the movie had his fellow actors not been so high caliber.

It is difficult to keep track of who's what and with who when, but the movie wraps it up by the end. There are several shocking and very serious moments and it shatters the lighthearted dorky film into something more. Although it doesn't wallow in the serious, it is enough to give a startle and appreciate the craft of how well written this is.

The Coen's managed to make me gasp at No Country and I was close to doing the same here. We are disjointed and interconnected all at the same time; however, this film tends to focus on the more dull minded. Delightful romp of murderous fun. Be prepared for "strong language". "The word "fuck" is uttered 60 times, including 6 times in the first 2 minutes." From INDB.

PICK: Excellent work from conception to completion. Another Coen hit worth watching.

TURN THE RIVER

TURN THE RIVER TURNED MY STOMACH
Good grifter stories are hard to come by because you secretly never want to know exactly how good or bad they really are. TURN THE RIVER is a character study if ever there was one. Kailey Sullivan (beautiful Famke Jansen) is a shady character by day and hustler by night. Somewhere in there she is also a mother with no custody but wants to take her son and wander off into the sunset. Of course she needs money and of course since she is a pool player on the grift she will have some hustling to do. All the of courses are due in large part to the fact that we see all this coming. The end is predictable just as ever other part of this movie is. The problem is her character. There is little plot and less of anything else, so the movie rests on her head. Pretty as it is, the character never turns into someone we want to know and/or care about. Basically it makes for an overall lukewarm at best movie not worth the view. Rent The Grifters with John Cuscak, Annette Bening and Anjelica Huston instead.
NOT a pick: A character-driven film needs a solid character. Don't bother.

WANTED

WANTED... MORE ALIVE THAN DEAD

Hold on to your seats kids. Worker bee Wesley Gibson (James McAvoy) is sleep walking through his life. He has a cubicle at a job he hates, ("Wesley: Want to hear something sad? I use an ergonomic keyboard to keep my repetitive stress injury in check. Just the fact that I repeat something enough that it causes me stress is fucking sad. ") an unfaithful girlfriend and an asshole of a best friend. So one day, he's minding his own business when suddenly, Fox (Angelina Jolie), appears at his side, sexy and smooth, and then all hell breaks loose. Mystery man, Sloane (Morgan Freeman, as kick ass as ever) introduces him to a brand new world. Life in technicolor. Heavy metal, lock and load, this film is kick ass from start to finish. At the most minimalist of terms, it's the story of a young man who finds meaning in his life and makes the transition to manhood. McAvoy is perfect and believable Dilbert office drone as much as Jolie is a smoking hot babe who can and will kick your ass in a heartbeat. Terrance Stamp takes a small role and makes it big. Outstanding choreography help to make the stunts and fights look authentic. It is sleek and stylish, which add to the film, not detract. Unpredictably, the plot holds twists and turns that you never see coming.

BIG PICK: Sexy, stylish and thrill-a-minute, fantastic movie to experience. LOVED it!