CHOKE

CHOKE: FROM BOOK TO SCREEN, A TOTALLY BIASED REVIEW

Victor Mancini (Sam Rockwell) is a medical-school dropout who has devised an ingenious scam to pay elder care for his Alzheimer's-afflicted mother (Angelica Houston). He pretends to choke on pieces of food while dining in upscale restaurants. He then allows himself to be "saved" by fellow patrons who, feeling responsible for Victor's life, go on to send checks to support him. When he's not pulling this stunt, Victor cruises sexual addiction support groups for action, visits his ailing mom while having to be "Fred" the lawyer, and spends his days working at a colonial theme park with his pal Denny. But there is so much more., and this is where almost every book-to-movie falls apart. The book which this movie was inspired by (titled the same) was crafted by Chuck Palahniuk ; whose works include, Survivor, Invisible Monsters, Lullaby, Haunted and Rant. The book was far more over the top than anyone could reproduce. However, with Same Rockwell and Angelica Houston, they were able to play over the top with out crashing down to the bottom. I couldn't have picked anyone else but Sam to play Victor. He is a nutball but also shows enough humanity to remain human. Houston, on the other hand, frightened me with talk of her as Victor's mother. Yet, indeed, she too was perfect as both her younger and older self. Palahniuk's books, in general, are original and far out as it gets, not without merit. As per usual, the book always provides more detail than allowed in the movie. If you liked the movie, then buy the book and you will understand. Good luck Chuck!

BIG Bite: I loved the book and still liked the movie; kudos!

THE HAUNTING OF MOLLY HARTLEY

THE HAUNTING OF MOLLY HARTLEY WASN'T
It wasn't haunting, scary or memorable. I don't do slasher flicks, but once in a while I'll rent a hope-to-be thriller/scary movie. This one was regrettable. It had Rosemary's Baby aspirations and fell so short of that I would use negative integers to grade it. Basically the movie is a cat and mouse chase. The ending tries to be clever and tosses in, basically, a whole new movie and plot line.
This one bites: Terrible, terrible, terrible...

NIGHTS IN RODANTHE

NIGHTS IN RODANTHE, DAYS IN HELL

Dr. Paul Flanner: We all make choices, Adrienne. You chose that life, you chose that man. Do you even remember who you really are anymore?

Adrienne Willis: Just stop it.

It just gets worse from there. Through a totally predictable set up we meet Diane Lane (Adrienne) and Richard Gere (Paul) in the same place at the right time. It was contrived if ever there was anything more true to the word. Both characters were less than authentic and watching the actors try to bring them to life was both sad and pointless. The dialogue was hollow and oh so terrible. It's hard to understand that these two talented actors would have chosen this to do anything but fund raise (which seems to be going around). I don't know if the movie was worse than the ending, or not, as it was hard to watch the TV screen and throw up at the same time. Total fatal movie.
BITE this: Put the clock next to the screen and watch your time wasted on this film. Yuck!

TRAITOR

TRAITOR NOT ON MY GOOD SIDE
Don Cheadle is one of my most favorite actors. I guess actors need to pay the bills, so someone shook him awake, propped him up and made this film. While I am glad he has the money to go buy groceries, I am upset with the lack of pulse this film offered. Think The Departed and then think bigger than that and you've got the story. Who do you trust? Who are the bad guys and are all of them bad? Not a significant original approach by ways of plot, action, characters and so on. Guy Pearce is also in the film. Even just writing this review I feel tired and would rather rearrange my sock drawer. The film wasn't engaging or interesting and it was very hard to follow. Trust me, don't wast the time or money.
This BITES: Tired worn out plot meets tired in need of cash actors. Total dud!

MAX PAYNE

MAX PAYNE INDEED PAYNEFUL



Oh, where to start... This movie was very, very, very, very, pretty. The use of shadows disbursed with primary colors gave it an unoriginal, but pretty look. I didn't know this movie was based on a video game when I watched it. Noticing the first part of the movie was full of scantily clad, silicone women I can now see the intended demographic. The plot was so thin and recycled it almost didn't exist. Instead the dark shadows and Max Payne's (Marky-Mark Walhberg) brooding stare took center stage with the snow. The whole movie had this huge snowfall, that never seemed to stick. It was pretty too. Of course there was the clique bad guy, the one who seems most helpful then turns around and stabs the hero in the back. Chris O'Donnell was unrecognisable in the film and he did something too. None of this movie even tried to make sense and none of the characters were consistent. The ending was not only unsatisfying, but really stupid.

True to form, Marky-Mark (If you weren't born then or didn't know, Marky-Mark started out his career as a "rapper" with a lot of underwear ads for Calvin Klein. Now by just going by Mark and trying to act, he tries to fit in where he doesn't belong. He seems to operate in one mode as portrayed by Andy Samburg of Saturday Night Live (look it up on You Tube).

BITE me: A sorry waste of time both to film the movie and to watch it.

VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA

VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA: "Speak English!"

Who would have guessed that one of film making's worst and scariest bad-guy Javier Bardem in No Country For Old Men, would turn into a Lothario, dripping with charisma and raw sexuality?

Vicky (Rebecca Hall) and Cristina (Scarlet Johansson) head off to Barcelona on a summer romp. Vicky is due to be married soon, to fit into her "role" as a woman, and Cristina is a restless soul, unsure of what she wants (but sure of what she doesn't want). It is there that they meet up with Juan Antonio (Bardem) who directly asks them both to join him on a plane trip to a nearby town and a night in bed. Despite all the warnings of how women need to act while traveling abroad, the two join him and the rest is a complicated Allen-esk tale of love, relationships, sensuality, romance and the complicated nature of combining all together. Woody is on top of his game with this film. The less I know of his personal life, the more I find myself enjoying his films. The dialogue was sharp and clever, but not pretentious. The plot held just enough suspense to keep it both real and enjoyable. The acting, by far, was top notch. It seems that Woody has his favorites and now it is Johansson. He wrote the part with her in mind and it shows. Hall and Bardem are also just right for their roles. However, it is Penelope Cruz, Maria Elena, Juan Antonio's ex-wife who cuts through the story like a wildfire. She is the perfect passionate Latina who is just crazy enough to be exciting and engaging. Just when the story takes another turn and you start to predict, you are thrown into another direction, much like Bardem who had to learn to drive for this film. This film is enjoyable and endearing, from the writing to the actors. The only explosion comes from Cruz and the chase scenes are much more sensual than frightening. Not to be missed.
BIG bite: Thoroughly entertaining and mesmerizing. Another tightly woven piece of film making art.

THE WOMEN: QUICK BITE

THE WOMEN: FIRST EVER FATAL CASE OF PMS
My mother took me to see the stage version of The Women. From first memory she has been a feminist trying to help women gain their own identity and power. To my mother and all the other women in the world who have been working hard to see the first woman president, I both warn and apologise on behalf of those who tried to re-shoot The Women. This was a universal star driven film which makes it such a shame. Didn't anyone look up from their script and say 'Hey, this sounds way too preachy and stereotypical, couldn't I just say okay or something instead?' The script went through several re-writes; like 10. Don't you think that after 10 there might be a lesson in that waiting to happen. It's almost as bad as the feminine hygiene or birth control ads on TV. Everyone was trying sooo hard as the words kept coming from their well polished and injected lips. More than disappointing, this movie was offensive and disastrous. WORST movie I've seen since LiLo's I Know Who...
BITE ME: This movie was a shame and a shambles and doesn't earn another word.

EAGLE EYE: QUICK BITE

EAGLE EYE 2008 SPACEY ODDITY
What a cat and mouse game this was! Totally unbelievable, unoriginal and irrational, but interestingly scripted and filmed. Going to the movies suspends reality so we can enjoy more than our 9-5 jobs, paying taxes and watching the economy tank. In an odd way, this movie did do that. From scene to scene to student to dialog, we are thrown, along with our heroes Jerry Shaw (Shia LaBouf) and Rachel Hollowmon (Michelle Monaghan). Long story short, they find themselves on the run. The rest is not necessary because they run ... a LOT and they are well choreographed scenes and it sucks you in. Billy Bob Thornton steps in from here to there to show his official and nonofficial support of this film. "Open the pod bay doors Hal." Most everyone is predictable, but it doesn't make it less fun to watch.
BITE: Just because it isn't believable doesn't make it less fun.

GHOST TOWN: Quick Bite

GHOST TOWN: CLOSE TO DEAD ON ARRIVAL
Too bad this lackluster movie did fare better at the box office. The plot has been recycled; at least being green is in this year. Dentist, Bertram Pincus (Ricky Gervais, genius of British TV, The Office originator)

is a bit of a pratt. Later he is called an asshole. He's not. He's British. After a routine colonoscopy goes bad, he discovers that he was dead for 7 minutes during the procedure, give or take. What happens when someone dies? Yes, they can 'see dead people'. Turns out he see sees a great number of them who want to fix something they didn't finish before they died. Now, the undead can be pretty snippy, but Frank (the dashing yet still funny Greg Kinnear) takes hold of the situation or course, so he can repair something he left undone. (A LOT like Ghost). Tea Leoni (Frank's widow) is the target and the smooth talking (NOT) ladies man (NOT) dentist (yeah, okay) has to interface with her so he can mend the ways. Nothing new, and mildly entertaining, Ricky Gervais should have had more un-scripted screen time. Neither Leoni or Kinnear really held my attention. However, there were some fairly serious scenes that came off as truly authentic. Not too "Ghost"-like, but heartfelt, no tears, just a cautionary reminder to us all.

NOT a bite: Entertaining not laugh out loud funny, maybe once or twice. Kinda-sorta-okay.

HELL BOY II: Quick Bite

HELL BOY II LUKEWARM

Oh, how the power of love can bring one to kill at at the same time reason to live. Now, toss in an odd array of characters, plots to rule the world and you've got a movie. If you didn't see part I, then this film may be a little hard to pick up without a back story. No one was outstanding in anyway. There were a few scenes and/or one liners that were incredibly funny, but such does not a movie make. A special few will see and understand this film. Not good news for the rest of us.

DOESN'T FLY: Not a smooth movie, but half heatedly entertaining at best.

MAMA MIA: BITE SIZE REVIEW

MAMA MIA, DIOS MIO
What a party! Giggly girls, dancing and singing... ah the fun of living in the sun on a beautiful island having been marooned with only ABBA's music styling. EVERYTHING was SO Broadway theatrical; the movements, the overacting, the staging. So Donna's (Meryl Streep) daughter (Sophie) is getting married and she secretly sent invitations to three of her mother's lovers from before she was born to try to discover which one her father is. Sophie and Donna's friends arrive, screaming and giggling and dancing and overacting... Thing is, the cast tried to sing. Why couldn't they do some lip syncing? Just when I though Meryl was bad, came alone Pierce Brosnan. A good actor and a fine man who made my ears bleed throughout the movie. Perhaps if I had been drinking it might have helped, but it was not an enjoyable movie for me. I can see many people liked it, but my guess is more for the music than the film. And yes, I have been listening to the real ABBA trying to clear this all singing all dancing movie from my head. Lighthearted and bubbly (just not for me).
BITE BACK: Sweet attempt to lighten us up, fails in the acting/singing efforts.

AMERICAN TEEN

AMERICAN TEEN REAL LIFE BREAKFAST CLUB

This documentary tracks the lives of a handful of students in Indiana through their school year in 2006 and is comparable on many levels to the Breakfast Club, the 1995 John Hughes film about different types of school cliques who have to serve a day in detention together. We have the geek, jock, princess, rebel and outcast only after the movie is over, you wonder exactly which label belonged to whom, or do the labels apply at all.

This is the first documentary I've seen that does not feel like a documentary. Through creative use of animation and a strong score it plays much more like an engrossing, hypnotic regular drama. To watch the raw, emotional cruelty, heartbreak, and social pressure reminded me of my own high school experience. In contrast to Hughes' Breakfast Club, in American Teen we see deep down into the lives of these students: peer pressure, parents, stress, relationships and goals set for after graduation. The film brings you into the movie and demands that you feel and relate to these kids and you do; sometimes awkward, sometimes painful but always real and universal.

PICK: A hypnotic snapshot of the lives of real American teenagers.

HANCOCK

HANCOCK... A REAL PRICK

Ray: People should love you. They really should, okay? And I want to deliver that for you. It's the least that I can do. You're a superhero. Kids should be running up to you, asking for your autograph, people should be cheering you on the streets...

Hancock: [yelling to crowd of neighbors watching]

What the hell you pricks looking at?

I watched this film, took notes and everything, yet forgot about it for a whole month. That's how forgettable this movie is. What is unforgivable is the stereotypical ethnic and homophobic slurs, even if he pretty much slurs everyone and everything. He is the anti-superhero. With Batman, Bruce Wayne came first and Batman his second identity; same with Iron Man. However this not-so-super-superhero had to take the journey to transform into a man. The movie wants us to see how sad and lonely he is and that the bad attitude masks that pain. It plain doesn't work. THEN, when you thought you had the main plot figured out and the movie should end, there comes a major plot twist (enter the wasted Charlize Theron) that is so unbelievable it could only happen on a soap opera. Terrible, terrible, terrible... the one and only thing I liked about Hancock was Ray Embrey (Jason Bateman). He is one of our more underrated actors but his sense of comedic timing and authentic approach made the rest of the film slightly bearable.
NOT a pick: If you are a huge Jason Bateman fan, be my guest; otherwise not a good film.

GET SMART

GET SMART NEEDS JUST THAT

This is a rarity in my world. A movie that I stopped watching before the end. I have seen a lot of bad movies and movies that I wished I didn't watch, but few that I didn't see to the end. Steve Carell is one of the most funny actors ever. Every week I watch the Office and it is his antics that make me laugh out loud. From what I saw in this film, that ability fell flat; as did Anne Hathaway's performance and sadly, Dwayne Johnson (aka The Rock). Johnson has successfully found his other talent, which is good comedic timing. He went from macho tough guy action star to "regular" acting, comedic acting at that and surprise, he is good at it! (See Southland Tales) Again, what I saw of this film, he fell down and went boom. I am of the generation that can remember this TV show; Mr. Bond meets Mr. Magoo. Some shows were not meant to be made into movies (MOST of them) and I'm sorry to say this one got lost in the shuffle. Take my comments with a grain of salt. Perhaps I left the movie when it was just getting good. However, I was too sleepy to tell. You make the call.

NOT a pick: Just because a recipe has all the ingredients, doesn't make the food taste good.

PARANOID PARK

PARANOID PARK SHOULD WATCH OUT FOR ITSELF
Sure, Gus Van Sant has put before us groundbreaking work (My Own Private Idaho, Drugstore Cowboy, ) and the new in theaters, with much acclaim, Milk with Sean Penn. However, this flick was one that needed to seep through the cracks. He creates a great landscape for our main character, awkward teen, Alex (Gabe Nevins) and his unknown slew of skater-non-actors in Portland. The movie is gray, as is much of the Pacific Northwest. It's much like watching surveillance video than a feature film. There is little dialogue and what is spoken sounds like acting. The pretext of a plot enfolds painfully slowly and when the "secret" is finally shown to the audience, it is a huge letdown. That's it? Milk is a vast improvement of Van Sant's ability and I haven't even seen it yet!
NOT a pick: Skip the film and stare outside at the rain and you will get the same effect.